Intimacy - I Guess You Would Call This "Hitting a Wall"

For the sake of showing the progress of my journey, I'm going to post an entry that was not fully completed. I had started it a few days ago, but I never finished for whatever reason. Currently, I don't remember where I was going with this entry... haha And right now I actually don't feel this way anymore, so praise the Lord! :D I'll post on how this changed as well, but for now take this!

-------------May 19, 2010-------------

This past weekend with New Philly was so glorious! Saturday night's Joint Prayer Meeting was SO powerful! God showed up in a big way, and I know that most of the people there got at least a little shaken up! And at Sunday Service at NPCHillside, God yet again showed up in glory, and we saw several people falling under the Spirit and several more just manifesting under His presence! This weekend I saw more manifestations of God in one weekend than I had ever before! It was undeniable that God was present!

And yet, the most difficult thing for me was that during this time, I felt like I wasn't experiencing anything at all. And you know, that probably isn't the truth. During this time I was doing my best to just be prayer support for those who were ministering and being ministered to. But as much as I've been pursuing God in the past few weeks, and even though I was going fairly strong on my media fast, and despite doing my best to give God the worship during these ministry times, I felt nothing. I didn't feel the Holy Spirit leading me into things to pray, and I didn't feel Him moving in my emotions like He sometimes does. In fact, more than feeling nothing, I felt like I was getting drained..

After reflecting, and talking to Brady about it, I think I came to a few realizations:

• I think that rather than being led by the Holy Spirit to be prayer support, I took that action out of a sense that, as a member and a leader, it was my responsibility to be praying for these brothers and sisters.
• I think God was probably trying to do something on my own heart, but because of this sense of responsibility, I wasn't letting Him. I definitely felt a disconnect between me and God, and that probably should have told me I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing, but I was so intent on being prayer support.. I knew that while I was disconnected I wasn't going to be very effective, and so I was actually trying to follow the example of others and lift up praises to God in those times when I felt stuck. But I think instead I should have just stopped what I was doing and focused entirely on God. Thinking about it like that I think I missed out on what could have been a really powerful time of the Holy Spirit's ministry to myself as well.. Or maybe what I'm going through right now IS the lesson God wanted me to learn?
• Through this experience I'm coming face to face with how little I can really do in my own ability and power. And that brings me to only one solution, that being to rely the Holy Spirit. My prayers may be powerful, but I want my prayers to bring an encounter with GOD! And the only way that is going to happen is if I'm praying from the Father's heart.

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And that was that entry. More to come!